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An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That next day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
Big Sale!!!
(Words and Music by Mark Volman and Howard Kaylan)
Write another song for the money
Something they can sing, not so funny
Money in the bank to keep us warm
Stick another grape in the juicer
Or fill your guts with grease and get get looser
You are what you eat , so eat it warm
Roll another joint for the Gipper
Get the Gipper high, he gets hipper
Stick it in his mouth and keep him warm
Elect another jerk to the White House
Gracie Slick is losing her door mouse
Take her off the streets and keep her warm
Fight another war if they make you
Squeal on a friend or they'll take you
The future's in your lap, so keep it warm...
Warm, here in your arms Safe from all harm,
where I belong
Warm, cozy and calm,
another Dawn together warm....
My woodie's broken down by the beach now
And TM's gotten far out of reach now
Tell the Mahareesh to keep it warm
George is suing Paul, suing Ringo
and immigration wants John and Yoko
All they need is love, to keep them warm
Kill another whale with your power
Or shoot a bunch a kids from a tower
Snipe them in there cars
Blood keeps them warm
Or
Make a better world from the old one
Make yourself a baby and hold one
Hold her in your arms and keep her warm,
Keep her warm, Keep her warm,
Keep her warm...........
!
“Bicycle seat a bit too high...”

(Thanks to Julie B. for finding this gem by Boston comedian Steve Sweeney.)

This Friday, (Date Night) March 12, tune in to WRKO. I'll be Howie Carr's guest for one hour starting at 6pm Boston time. (Haven't got a clue what we're going to be talking about....) This is how they're promoting it:
“On March 12th at 6 PM EST Charles Laquidara returns to the airwaves in Boston. A rare appearance live on the Howie Carr show, WRKO AM 680 and streaming at WRKO!”